Regrets, compassion and love: what heals relations after treason

The door to treason is closed. Partners intend to maintain a marriage and return the proximity. But is there enough solution to cope with the destructive consequences of infidelity? Which will facilitate recovery and help open the door to a new life?

Psychologies:What difficulties do partners face after treason?

Alexander Chernikov, family psychotherapist: The main difficulty is that in addition to those problems in the marriage that were before treason, there is a new injury to the relationship. Therefore, it is important that the wrong partner admits that it hurts another pain.

My work experience

shows that the changeable most often underestimates the severity of the situation, does not realize how serious a blow to identity, and the partner has stroke. Experiences associated with betrayal, in each third case, can be considered as post -traumatic stress disorder.

How is this disorder manifested?

The victim often has flashbacks – outbreaks of memoirs or paintings of betrayal, involuntarily arising in the imagination. In the treatment of injuries there is the concept of “tolerance window” – this is the optimal level of excitement at which we realize what is happening, we understand our condition and make deliberate decisions.

But if we are injured, we are constantly flying out of this window, we are overexcited or, conversely, suppressed. In this state it is impossible to think logically and talk calmly. Suffering all the time. And at the same time experiences shame and suffers from low self -esteem. This can last several years.

Maybe it’s better not to talk about treason?

If you avoid this topic, you can get stuck in an injury. But it is important that the conversations do not come down to accusations and the investigation of details. Do not carry out many hours of exhausting conversations that do not bring relief.

How often a couple should discuss treason?

It depends on the desire of the victim, because in most cases he simply is not able to think and talk about something else. But the intensity of his experiences is so high that the changeable is unbearable for a long time to withstand tense communication, and he begins to avoid him. A vicious circulation circle occurs. Everyone faces a difficult task: to talk only about their experiences, their pain, and not to call and not hang labels.

Usually criticism leads to the fact that partners fly out of the tolerance window and stop hearing each other. And the task is just to try to calm down and return to this tolerance window. An important rule is to discuss the motives of treason, not its details. To ask and tell how much money was spent on the novel, where they went to rest, how they had sex is not easy, because it only strengthens the pain of the victim.

In fact, he needs only key information: with whom, when, how much continued, what needs were underlying the basis of treason – to understand why the other did so, what he felt. Understanding each other’s motives, albeit painful, helps a couple to go through a crisis. Opening, changing becomes more predictable, and the restoration of relations is easier.